Lets Have A Laugh: Astro Humor

I don’t know about you but I need some humor and giggles about now. Even though I knew this current crap was coming back in January 2011, I can’t take the endless media barrages and attempted manipulations upon the masses and sheer insanity of the moment, so, here’s some old but great astrology humor to lighten the mood. I don’t know who wrote all of these originally, but thanks to them very much for the astro giggles. This stuff is so funny because it is accurate. Warning: One of these is rather R rated, which I find hilarious but some may not, but I hope you do cause we all need a good chuckle at this point.

Denise

Zodiacal Prayers to God – author unknown

“ARIES:  Dear God, give me patience and could you do it right now?

  TAURUS:  Dear Lord, help me accept change in my life…but not yet.

GEMINI: Yo God or is it Goddess? Who are you? What are you? Where are You? How many of you are there? I can’t figure you out!

  CANCER: Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn’t depend on you so much but you’re the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.

  LEO:  Hi Pop. I’ll bet you’re really proud to have me as your kid!

   VIRGO:  Dear God, please make the world a better place and don’t mess it up like you did the last time.

  LIBRA:  Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself, but on the other hand, what do YOU think?

  SCORPIO:  Dear God, help me forgive my enemies even if the bastards don’t deserve it.

SAGITTARIUS: OH ALMIGHTY, ALL-KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I’VE ASKED YOU ONCE I’VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES…HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!

CAPRICORN:  Dear Father, I was going to pray but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.

  AQUARIUS:  Hi God! Some say you’re a man, some say you’re a woman, I say we’re ALL God. So why pray, let’s have a party!

  PISCES:  Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.”

Sun Sign Humor – author unknown

Aries (Mar 23–April 22) – “You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
 Taurus (April 23–May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
 Gemini (May 23–June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23–July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a damn. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23–Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23–Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your nit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23–Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23–Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Aquarius (Jan 23–Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23– Mar 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.”

Sex Comments by Sun Sign – author unknown

Aries: “Okay, let’s do it again!”

Taurus: “I’m hungry–pass the pizza.”

Gemini: “Have you seen the remote?”

Cancer: “When are we getting married?”

Leo: “Wasn’t I fantastic?”

Virgo: “I need to wash the sheets.”

Libra: “I liked it if you liked it.”

Scorpio: “Perhaps I should untie you.”

Sagittarius: “Don’t call me–I’ll call you.”

Capricorn: “Do you have a business card?”

Aquarius: “Now let’s try it with our clothes off!”

Pisces: “What did you say your name was again?”

12 Signs & The Near-Death Experience – author unknown

  ARIES: “Who’s in charge here? I’d like to see God right now please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace back-lit with white Light like that one?”

  TAURUS: Leaving the body Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!) without seeing tunnels, Light, God, etc., making Taurus extremely skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn’t the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story or writing about it. Since Gemini’s are comfortable in all worlds—except those without telephones—they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly and the mouth tends to work long before the rest of the body comes back to life.

  CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old and they don’t usually have near-death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near-life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for “supplies”.

  LEO: “Nooooooo, I am NOT dead! I am not, I am not, I am not!!! Hey,who are those guys in the white robes? What’s that they’re singing? They’re off-key. I can sing better than that! Where’s the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it’s Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls.”

  VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves her body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements, but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones “managing” without her that she snaps back into the body like white-lightning, sits up, glances at her watch and calmly pronounces herself alive.

  LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again. Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant Being of Light at the other end. “Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it’s Kwan Yin. That looks like something she’d wear.”  Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel—after all, what’s death without someone to share it with—Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

  SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio’s have nine lives they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near-death experience. Once nearly dead most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the Other Side, 75% of Scorpios name a favorite vampire, with Medusa as a strong contender.

  SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body since she’s been trying to get out of it for all these years via clumsy accidents. Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amazing lessons, until alas the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly dead Goats. A well-dressed older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled How To Profit In The Astral Marketplace,  plus a “job evaluation” type assessment of Cap’s achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip—meaning the body is revived. Capricorns tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn’t run by consensus and opts for hell where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the Celestial Choir and so on which is another reason to rebel and opt for hell. Once in the Underworld they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms and are quickly expelled back to their physical body.

  PISCES: For some mysterious reason our Piscean friends barely notice their near-death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office many Pisceans report seeing Beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.”

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